Blanche

There’s a wall that surrounds me. It’s too white sometimes. I can see my shadow when I face it. A black outline of my physical scars. It has started to define me. I have stared at it far too often. If you ask me to close my eyes, I can tell you precisely where my veins bulge. I can tell you how my skin folds when I move my muscles. I can tell you where each scar begins and ends, where each mole is. I have studied my body that closely.

If you give me more time, I may even be able to tell you how fast my blood flows.

But what I don’t know is my soul. I sit in a desert of solitude. I see the untamed waves of thoughts crash into the shore. I see them beg for acknowledgement. But I turn my back and walk away. I am too scared, you see. Terrified of the profound depravity I may possess. I have years worth of time. People ask for longer days, but my days? They’re endless. And yet, I am never done reading my silhouette. 

Heart

Here, could you hold this for a second? People tell me it’s my heart. Lately, I have been disagreeing. 

You see, I always viewed heart as this perfect shaped red object that could hold the entire universe. I thought of it as the place that refused to give up. The sanctuary that held all the truths. It’s been my escape for years. I would walk into it and forget the world around me. I would daydream and blame it on the heart. I would walk through its chambers and leave my feelings there. Right atrium, for my deepest sorrows. For it is the tiniest of them all. It was my way of limiting my grief. Right ventricle, for my dreams. To dream big for I refuse to anything but. Left ventricle, for my hopes. For it is the largest chamber and hope belongs there more than anywhere else. And right atrium, for my love. For I don’t have much to give. 

But you see, lately, it has all turned into this one giant mansion of chaos. I walk into it, trying to organize my emotions into chambers. I want to pick and choose where everything should go. But I can’t. 

So, could you just hold it for a moment while I fix my arteries and veins? They are mixing all my blood. I can’t breathe, you see. My heart is killing me.