If I die now, you'll have a hint for which god to petition.
Julian Randall wrote this line in his poem "On the Night I Consider Coming Out to My Parents" when he mentions that he is Black and Dominican and Bisexual.
I have been thinking about labeling of self a lot lately. Of these words we subscribe to so we can find someone who understands: pakistani-american, ex-muslim, fitness nerd, analyst, mathematician, mountain climber, music lover, fashion lover, reader. So many labels so we can find someone who understands numerous facets that are about self and all that feeds is the idea of consumerism. I want people to understand me because I am important. No, it's not quite your turn yet, it is still about me. I am going through a tough time in life so my thoughts, my feelings, should outweigh everything else.
Last year, when I took my trip to San Francisco, I realized the selfish nature of grief. It is a comfortable emotion that blankets you in its warmth and drugs you into thinking it's -40 degrees outside and you need its warmth. The irony? It's a 100 degrees outside and you're running a fever. It is an odd sensation, letting go of that grief. You have a void that needs filling and you don't have an emotion strong enough to counteract it. That is the hardest part about pain. Not necessarily the suffering of it but the void that comes after the suffering is over. The emptiness that follows that coerces you to face yourself.
After I had come back from my Washington trip this year, my dad had said, it's great to travel but the true place you need to travel to is your inner self. See where your thoughts lead you when they are uninfluenced. My uncle had suggested I wake up pre-dawn and make a habit of writing - before I have had coffee, before I have washed my face, before I have taken a single action. The idea is to get your mind as pure as you could and see where it takes you. I have not had the guts to implement that quite yet but I have started working out in the morning recently. I don't make any decisions - I set my outfit the night before, I prepare my workout bag the night before, I order coffee from the Starbucks across the street. I just get up, make my bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, change into my workout clothes, and go.
Alex Honnold describes his routine before a big free solo climb. He mentions that on bigger climbs, he minimizes the number of decisions he has to make so his body can save energy. He describes the process of free soloing El Capitan at Yosemite - climbing a 3000+ feet steep wall without ropes, merely using his body. He mentions that performing a climb like that, you do not want to perform at anything more than 70% of what your body is capable of. This is because you want it to feel natural. You do not want your body to feel fear or discomfort or any emotion that can trigger an insulin response in you and cause you to lose your footing. If you do, you fall off the wall and die - as simple as that.
I cannot help but think of the power of discipline in all this. The discipline required to do something so often that it becomes a part of your routine. You are not a person, in all your labels, who identifies as someone who brushes their teeth, or takes a shower, or fills their gas tank. You don't think about it. It's what you do. Then, if there are things we want to do, we must make them so routine they're almost mindless. You take the decision of whether you want to or need to do this thing or not out of the picture. There is no decision left.
You just do.
