She woke up one morning and it didn’t crush her. The dust particles visible in the sun rays breaking through her bedroom window, the quiet of a morning that lead to a day of responsibilities but allowed the freedom to start slow. This is it, she thought. The content her mother and grandmother never got to feel. Even at peace, the duties of an eldest daughter couldn’t be shirked. The hope of all the generations prior and the weight of the upcoming generations sit tightly on the shoulders of the eldest daughter. But on days like today, she felt she could just be. Take a break. She knows the crown is sitting there like dirty laundry, she will need to wear it again. She’s one mishap away from her phone ringing and shoving her back to, well, life. However, life can wait a day and allow her to live.
She wonders why regardless of culture, the role of the eldest daughter is the same. Project Manager at best, sacrificial lamb at worst. She remembers the first time she had to step onto that stage. She was five and asked to make sure her little brother, four, didn’t run off. Watch him for a second, will you? She felt something at the sheer unfairness of the request but didn’t have the alphabets of human emotions down enough to explain this bubbling feeling in her chest. It came out as anger, as frustration, as a loss of individuality. A single tear wiped away with chubby hands, a shrug of her shoulders, and the first of her smiles plastered on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes as she turned to her brother. This was the beginning of everything to come. How things would always be going forward. The child in need of protection becomes the protector.
She mimics a similar shrug and forces herself back to reality. After all, she is also the first to unlearn this. She often wonders if she had an older sister, who would she be? Perhaps what she needed was the mother she was forced to be. Being an adult, she realized, was simply giving yourself the permission to be the child you would have been.
She felt like a Broadway actress most days. Sitting in front of a computer screen giving technical advice to companies willing to shell out thousands of dollars for a few hours of her time. She played the part well. Logged into her investments to ensure she had enough for her future, and perhaps a family member’s. Her bills were paid. She had followed up with her friends and family, asking how they were really doing in hopes that they didn’t feel alone. Check, check, and check. She had an acceptable boyfriend. Someone her family approved of. Also, check. It was a great theatrical production that she decided to put on every day. She wondered if this was what life was.
