metaphysical angst

a friend told me that he heard someone tell him of this technique where you continuously write and write and write without pasuing or scratching things out or thinking and i thought that was the scariest thing in the worrld but also something that i would love to do so that's what i am doing. i am typing without thinking or spell checking and it's the most honest thing i have done in a while and i am scared shitless and i don't know what this will look like. i am listening to mtv coke studio and a tv show is loading and so i can hear beautiful music with dumb commercials on the website the show is loading. you know how sometimes you keep bottling your anger and putting it in the box marked to be dealt with later? that's what i have been doing with my anger lately and now its threatening to burst and so i have locked myself in my room to prevent hurting people. my friend says it's considerate of me but in reality it's self-preservation. and i dont know what to say. the clouds that i brag so much about have failed me today. i want to smoke. i want to smoke so fucking bad. but i dont even like smoking. it's just the perfect weather for smoking. it's cold and drizzling and it's london weather even though i have never been to london so i wouldn't even know what that is about. lately i feel like everything has been failing me but it's my flaw for having expectations at all and i shouldn't, i know i shouldn't. i cut myself with my fingernail. can you believe that? who cuts themselves with their own finger nails. i am not very good at this whole adult and being 20 thing. but i think no one really is. and this stream of consciousness is making my hands hurt because my thoughts are going a million miles an hour which sounds so fucking cliche but i don't care and i am having a hard time typing and jesus fucking christ my hands hurt a lot. i hate typing. but i would be even more slow while writing physically and it's a damn good thing most of my classes are math based because i would not be able to write fast anymore. and sometimes i wonder it would be really cool to study philosophy but then i realize how scared i am of philosophy so there's that. i dont know what to write. i like this music a lot. reminds me of the night i went around the block for a walk at 4 am. worst decision ever from a CSI point of view but a very poetic decision nonetheless. i make more decisions based on how poetic they are and less based on how rational they are. i am silly. hoping to be a poet instead of writing poetry. i wish my thoughts were poetry. i wish when i scratched the chalkboard with my fingernails, i could produce a sonnet with perfect iambic pentameter but of course i am no shakespeare. shakespeare is probably the most mocked and respected writer in the world which is such a huge definitive statement begging to be disproved. but i will hold by it regardless. because even if mocked, shakespeare is remembered and that's more than i can say for myself. okay that was five minutes. i am scared to read it but i will fix the spellings.