1. I had a phone call with an interviewer at the airport while on a girls trip to Miami. I had wanted to grow up into this person. Now it just seems hectic. (I did not accept the job offer.)
2. I am learning to be by myself entirely. No music, no podcasts, no background noise. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward. It forces me to think of things I do not want to think. But I think it's liberating.
3. I am doing things that terrify me. I am hoping that this discomfort leads to better character development.
4. I am learning to listen to the opposite point of view. Two years ago, if someone told me they were not a feminist, I would have shut down entirely around them. I am now listening to their thoughts with curiosity and no judgment. It is hard. It is also rewarding.
5. There is so much in my life that is up in the air right now. None of which I sought out. I need the gym right now to merely function. It's the one place where I have what I need.
6. I spoke to ma on the phone. It was nice. Hearing the voice of your loved ones, even on a trip where you're just having fun, is always welcome. It's nice to know that there are people who will always love you. There are people who you can always come back to.
7. Sitting on a beach, watching people be fearless around water. Makes you almost forget twenty million things happening outside of your bubble. Reminds you of the goals you set when you were fifteen, twenty. And now at twenty-five, the weight of those goals has increased. The stake is a lot higher. In the relationships you build, the choices you make career wise, the life you want to work towards. The fear of failure is greater. As is the fear of success. What happens when you reach your goals. What do you work towards then. From a fitness perspective, from a nutrition perspective, from a mental clarity perspective, I am where I need to be. But there is a weird restlessness in me. As if something great is meant to happen and I need to acquire all the skills I can for it but I don't know if I can be prepared for it.
8. I am giving up the pretense of craftily worded sentences. Of perfect syntax and creative diction. Aesthetics ate the content. I want to say things right. I want to write what I mean. With clarity and precision.
9. There is no such thing as a perfect job. There is only the right job at the moment. There is no such thing as meeting 'the one.' There are only right people for the moment. It is not a negative statement, only a temporary one. Moments, emotions, feelings, thoughts - they are all fleeting things. All you can do is take a deep breath and live.
10. The Lyft driver asked if I was Mexican. Then he asked if I drink since I'm a teenager. We went to a well known Cuban place. The coffee was great, the food terrible. These two guys next to our table started talking to us. One of them worked in IT, other in Medicine. It was odd yet interesting. I love first conversations. There is so much to know about a person. There are no expectations yet, only surprises. Letting go of expectations is hard.
11. The beach gives me a lot of anxiety. The noise from the water, the birds. Probably because I can't swim, I always feel restless. Wonder what it's like to be fearless at the beach. To be able to sit there and not do anything. Such a foreign concept to me. I am always ready to leave. It's like I don't feel like I can take a minute there to catch my breath.
12. I am such a home body. 2 days in a different city and I am already itching to go back home. I miss my shower and my bed and the comfort of my things. I cannot have a job where I travel a lot. I wonder if the need to travel a lot stems from not having a home. Such that you are constantly searching for that place you can one day call home.
13. Randomly remembered this line from Strings' song: Baat kehni bhi hai aur chupani bhi hai.
14. It takes leaving to remember what home is.
2. I am learning to be by myself entirely. No music, no podcasts, no background noise. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward. It forces me to think of things I do not want to think. But I think it's liberating.
3. I am doing things that terrify me. I am hoping that this discomfort leads to better character development.
4. I am learning to listen to the opposite point of view. Two years ago, if someone told me they were not a feminist, I would have shut down entirely around them. I am now listening to their thoughts with curiosity and no judgment. It is hard. It is also rewarding.
5. There is so much in my life that is up in the air right now. None of which I sought out. I need the gym right now to merely function. It's the one place where I have what I need.
6. I spoke to ma on the phone. It was nice. Hearing the voice of your loved ones, even on a trip where you're just having fun, is always welcome. It's nice to know that there are people who will always love you. There are people who you can always come back to.
7. Sitting on a beach, watching people be fearless around water. Makes you almost forget twenty million things happening outside of your bubble. Reminds you of the goals you set when you were fifteen, twenty. And now at twenty-five, the weight of those goals has increased. The stake is a lot higher. In the relationships you build, the choices you make career wise, the life you want to work towards. The fear of failure is greater. As is the fear of success. What happens when you reach your goals. What do you work towards then. From a fitness perspective, from a nutrition perspective, from a mental clarity perspective, I am where I need to be. But there is a weird restlessness in me. As if something great is meant to happen and I need to acquire all the skills I can for it but I don't know if I can be prepared for it.
8. I am giving up the pretense of craftily worded sentences. Of perfect syntax and creative diction. Aesthetics ate the content. I want to say things right. I want to write what I mean. With clarity and precision.
9. There is no such thing as a perfect job. There is only the right job at the moment. There is no such thing as meeting 'the one.' There are only right people for the moment. It is not a negative statement, only a temporary one. Moments, emotions, feelings, thoughts - they are all fleeting things. All you can do is take a deep breath and live.
10. The Lyft driver asked if I was Mexican. Then he asked if I drink since I'm a teenager. We went to a well known Cuban place. The coffee was great, the food terrible. These two guys next to our table started talking to us. One of them worked in IT, other in Medicine. It was odd yet interesting. I love first conversations. There is so much to know about a person. There are no expectations yet, only surprises. Letting go of expectations is hard.
11. The beach gives me a lot of anxiety. The noise from the water, the birds. Probably because I can't swim, I always feel restless. Wonder what it's like to be fearless at the beach. To be able to sit there and not do anything. Such a foreign concept to me. I am always ready to leave. It's like I don't feel like I can take a minute there to catch my breath.
12. I am such a home body. 2 days in a different city and I am already itching to go back home. I miss my shower and my bed and the comfort of my things. I cannot have a job where I travel a lot. I wonder if the need to travel a lot stems from not having a home. Such that you are constantly searching for that place you can one day call home.
13. Randomly remembered this line from Strings' song: Baat kehni bhi hai aur chupani bhi hai.
14. It takes leaving to remember what home is.
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