These past two weeks have been eventful, to say the least. My family came over from Pakistan and I saw them after 3 years. It was so emotional. You know how people say that our biggest weakness, as human beings in general, is love? I say, that is our biggest strength. The love for family, friends, humanity, kindness, rightness, animals, plants etc. I mean it's just so beautiful how much a human being can love. True, our biggest strengths can make us weak but it works the other way round too. Why do we still long for acceptance and love? It's possible to survive without it, but is it possible to live without it? I don't think so. People turn bitter because of lack of love. If you had all the love in the world, you wouldn't want others to not feel love. Because you'd know how beautiful the feeling is when someone brings you hot chocolate after a long tiring day and you'd want others to experience it. How can you not? If you see a really good movie, you recommend it to your friends-do you not? If you visit a beautiful place, you want your loved ones to see it too. Why? Because we promote things that appeal to us. I think, to an extent, it's the same with love.
Anyways, i'm getting away from the topic, but there really isn't a topic so that doesn't make sense. But neither do my emotions. Maybe it's like a volcano of too many feelings clogged up together and is waiting to explode or maybe it's one thing that has influenced me so much but I can't put a finger on it. I used this analogy earlier with a friend, but it defines my emotions perfectly as well. My emotions are on crack. I have been feeling so nostalgic lately, for obvious reasons. I met my family after three years. It brought back so many memories and we created so many new memories. It made me reconsider somethings and my life. Like when I moved here, I had this depressed emo phase where I missed Pakistan so terribly that I used to cry myself to sleep. Then I learned to see the beauty in reality and came to terms with the fact that my life was here now and not in Pakistan. And that if I didn't start making memories here, I would regret it later. Then I started loving it here, and to the extent where everything about the Desi world/people started to piss me off. I was trying to detach myself from my heritage because I saw the perks of other ethnicities/religions etc. And now? I am proud of my heritage, culture, country etc. and I love it here too. I have realized that I can't have everything both ways but this is one thing I can. And I'm happy about that.
I've also been feeling content lately. Like, I have figured a lot of things out this summer. My future, my present and my past. I understand now, that I am who I am because of my past experiences. Yes, I was ignorant and stupid before. But so what? With time comes experience and with experience comes knowledge and wisdom. I can either fret about what I didn't do or didn't get done, or I could live in the present doing what's in my power and looking forward to the challenges life throws at me.
But I have also been feeling a little sad. About what? How short life is, how few moments we get to spend with our loved ones and how everything will change one day. But I keep those feelings shut up in a very tiny box buried deep inside my heart. I guess, melancholy is a part of who we are as human beings. Without sadness, we wouldn't know happiness. Tears make you realize the importance of smiles and laughter. And turmoil makes you realize the value of peace in life. So I guess in some chimerical way, I am the closest to being myself right now. I don't want it to change, but it will and I know it. C'est la vie, right?
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