I saw the lights from the city creating a constellation of urban universe beneath me. Fifteen minutes later I saw the stars light up the sky when the lights beneath me stopped shining. The ones made by humans shine brighter. They are denser. I have not let myself get excited about this trip. Worried about this or that. For a second I thought my flight would get cancelled. Houston was hit hard by Harvey. There are two more hurricanes to follow. If I was in high school, I would compare this to the John Green quote about my thoughts being stars I am unable to fathom. I am not. I have stopped thinking as much, writing as much. I feel more. I do more. I am capable of more. A part of me is nostalgic for what I could have seen and done in high school and college. Another part of me is okay with being where I am doing what I am. A third part of me is in a state of yearning. This is what it's like being twenty-three. There's a twenty year old girl sitting next to me on the flight. She's studying abroad next year in England. She tells me she studies Musical Theatre. A small part of me envies her. Carefree, willing to experience so much, talk to anyone. She tells me her baggage got lost between connecting flights. "You know talking this through with you, I'm going to call my mom." I have maybe gotten two words in. She calls her mom. Her mom comforts her. "Thank God for moms, am I right?" Thank God for moms indeed. Also thank God for being twenty-three and having a job and further job opportunities and coworkers who are family and friends who are more than family and family who is everything. I feel uncertain about everything in life right now. What grad school will I go to? What will I study? What kind of job do I want? Do I like my job or the people I work with? Do I like it because it's comfortable or because it challenges me? Should I pursue other opportunities? What kind of a car do I want? And when do I move out? My mind is a mess. I want to sort it out. But maybe I will end up left more confused after this trip. Who knows?
-- 09/06 10:26 PM
I thought I would write everyday but I wanted to live in the moment so here I am. I am on a train from Vista to Anaheim. I woke up at 8:30 this morning by a call from my mom. I got dressed, got to the train station ahead of time, went to get coffee and rushed back to the station. I dropped coffee on myself in the meanwhile only to find out the train was delayed by an hour. We walked to the beach nearby and I spoke to an old man selling souvenirs on the pier who lived in Texas for a bit. We talked about Whataburger and the flooding in Houston. 'Heard it's terrible down there, huh?' It is terrible. People with homes destroyed and water everywhere. A city at a stand still that is always filled with life. I see the contrast with the city I am in. Two different worlds. I begin to see the strength of water. An ocean that you can learn to fight, rain that invades your home. I am a mountain girl to the core. That is where I find peace. But there is something to be said about knowing the ocean. About the waves that come and go. That determine how your day will be. If the sea is angry, you cannot console it. If the sea is gentle, it is there to play. You cannot win against nature. You can only learn to live with it.
-- 09/10, 12:02 PM
I am on a train back from downtown San Diego to Vista. I spoke to a lady at a bookstore for 30 mins. She tells me her dentist is in Mexico. She tells me about the price she pays to live in this beautiful city. She says, 'but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything.' I have never seen people be proud of Houston like that. Maybe I need to be by myself more in that city. It's my last day here. I want to explore more but my feet have blisters. I haven't had proper sleep in days. My hair is a disaster. I have ocean sand in my laundry and I am running out of my deodorant. A part of me is itching to be home in my bed. Another part of me wants to stay here forever. I have a few answers now. I made a few decisions that require a lot of courage. I hope they are the right ones. They feel right.
-- 09/11, 4:34 PM
I am home now. I took a shower in my shower and I am in my bed. My brother told me I deserved this vacation. I agree. I needed a change of scenery. It was beautiful but home is much sweeter.
-- 09/12, 11:05 PM
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