Nothing quite as cliched as using a new year to think about the bygones. It's interesting because human mind is intrinsically drawn to patterns and even numbers. There are countless videos of satisfying things on YouTube that are inherently regulated by achieving the near-perfect symmetry. Even if the universe ceased to exist tomorrow, the eternal Mathematical truths would still exist. In an oddly poetic way, Math is beyond this universe. Although, one could argue the definition of universe here and counter that precise conjecture. Nonetheless, it is precisely this need to find patterns and evens that we use marks like new year and a birthday to convince ourselves we can begin new chapters in our lives.
Theoretically, of course, it's quite silly as a new year or a birthday is no different than any other day of the year. But then, theoretically, the difference between a friend and a stranger is non-existent either. Any basic Economics equation includes a constant that accounts for errors. The idea is simple - human beings are imperfect. And because we are imperfect, we account for it in our mathematics. You can get close to 0 or 1 but you cannot have a probability of 0 or 1. It can be 0.0000001 but never perfectly 0. Depending on how important the context is, the room for error decreases. Flipping a coin nonchalantly, a 0.5 probability of heads or tails is not a big deal. Now take that same flipping and put money on it, suddenly that 0.5 err probability seems too high. My point in this vitriol is simply that things matter not because of the qualities they inherently possess but because of the meaning human beings associate to them.
This is a very simple idea. You care about new years or birthdays because you have associated a value to them. Nothing mind blowing about this. I have a very logical brain. This is in part because I have always enjoyed logic - mathematics, philosophy, sudoku, puzzles, etc., and in part because of the family I was raised in. Emotions didn't have quite the same virtue as rationale. In fact, emotions were a byproduct of rationale. You are feeling this way because of xyz - it's entirely driven by logic. The idea that you could feel an emotion just because was a bit foreign to me. The fact that I grew up with a bunch of boys didn't help the situation either. Boys are supposed to bury their emotions and pretend everything is perfectly fine. There are times when you need to bury your emotions. If a supervisor reprimands you for something you were at fault with, your feelings will smart but you cannot react. There's a decorum you have to follow. You do not have to agree or respect a supervisor but you have to remember their power and their experience that gives them an upper hand. Heck, there are times when you are reprimanded for something you didn't intentionally do but ended up in a disaster. It happens. You are made of good intentions but you make mistakes. It's okay.
The greatest form of learning comes from trial and error. You could explain to me a time and again why something won't work but until I have tried and failed on my own, I am less likely to learn. You have to be patient with mistakes - yours and others. But you also have to create expectations and not insult someone's intelligence. I think that has been my greatest struggle this year. I do too much of hand holding and not enough of here's the information you need to succeed show me what you got. It sounds nice in theory but to be an analyst, you need to be able to think. To be anything successfully, you should be able to think really. But there are jobs out there that you can perform without thinking. These jobs wont get you a career and you will likely be replaced by technology but there are jobs still like that. However, to work as an analyst, your greatest skill should be your ability to analyze a situation. Look at the information you're given and think of all the possible reasons why it won't work and rise above those. So when you handhold someone, you are automatically putting them at a disadvantage. Telling them, listen I know we hired you to think but here's what to think.
There's a lot that's wrong with the corporate world. People in charge of making decisions are removed from the work that's being done and make decisions based on what they think is happening instead of what is actually happening. Everything is driven by money. You are told you hold value but you are also replaceable in a week. Your work matters but the client is more important. Your opinions hold weight but not as much as of those PMs who have never written a line of code. It's chaotic and redundant. Who knew such a combination was possible. Everyone has different motivations. There are politics and there are hypocrites. But such is the way of corporate America. MBA's are handed out left and right without any particular heed to what is actually Business Administration. It's a giant cycle of brainless corporate slaves being filled with the same management strategies that keep on failing while in practice. It's a pretty picture.
And yet within all this, there's a weird feeling that you have a purpose. Even if it's something as trivial as making sure your tasks for the day are being performed, there is something to do. It is meaningless work that we associated meaning with. What I do is not important to anyone else but it is important to me. If I am learning, it holds value. If it is making me a better person, it is not a waste of time. So all this boils down to just that - is the job I am doing worth doing? The answer may not be the same for you as it is for me. Maybe you are at a point where you are no longer learning. But if you are, perhaps it's worth your time and energy.
Sure, the grand gestures and accolades are man-made. There are more important things out there to be thought about and worked upon. Human condition is far more precarious and, simultaneously, profound than the meaningless work you are doing. There is work to be done that matters a whole lot more. There are emotions to be felt that matter more than your mere satisfaction at the end of the day from meaningless work. Your promotions don't matter nearly as much as saving another human being from the brinks of death. But perhaps you did save someone - yourself. Perhaps it's okay to be in a place where that's all you're capable of for the time being.
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